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Oct. 10th, 2015

Last night, I couldn't get Anneke to stay in her bed. I put her in bed, fully clothed, and she'd pop out again every few minutes. Then about a half an hour later, when I'm thinking all is good, she popped out again and came into my bedroom in just her underwear. I asked her what she was doing and she says "Mommy, I think I need another story". I asked her where her pajamas were. She said "Um, I just took them off." I told her to bring them so we could put them back on and then she had to go back to bed. Her answer? "No, mommy, because I am naked, I'm the boss".

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But look, I'm more distracted than I thought I was.

I'll start a war

And I don't care if I'm the only person standing on this side of the battle lines.

But if you are a man telling me who I choose to date is wrong, you're a misogynist. I don't give a flying fuck what your orientation is. Who I date, who I love, and who I sleep with is absolutely none of your goddamn business.

You can call me all sorts of names and stand on your righteous soapbox, but my choices don't impact you in the slightest. You are standing up and claiming it's your right to dictate who I should allow in my pants. And I'm betting you're the same people who think they're pro-choice and noble by telling the government it has no place governing a woman's body. But that's exactly what you're doing.

You want to tell me I'm wrong, go ahead. Try me. Try and prove your point without sounding like every other man that has forced their opinions about my sexuality down my throat.

I'm ready for the fight.

God only knows what the pits have been drinking. ;)

Oct. 8th, 2015

I feel like I need to tell this story. It was fine when I could just shove it in the back of my mind and forget it ever happened. But because I have poor judgement when it comes to the people I decide to keep around me, this all got brought back up like vomit and I haven't been able to get it off my mind since.

I don't think this will necessarily come as a surprise to anyone, really, given my hatred of Darryl and his overall character, but there are people close to me who will be finding out about this for the first time along with the rest of the internet. And there's a part of me that feels like a bad feminist for keeping it so closeted for so long. But I remind myself it doesn't matter how long it takes for me to say something but that I say something at all. Women like inthefourthact are why I want to say something. Because I want to set the right example for my daughter.

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sometimes it's easier to dream it

The fun thing about depression isn't the sadness or the numbness. And honestly, you're more often numb than sad. And there are 9000 theories as to why we are the way we are and sometimes it can be totally linked back to trauma and sometimes it's about something going wrong in our brains and sometimes no one knows. And that's always fun because the truth is, there's never just "one" diagnosis either. There's always anxiety or something else that goes right along with it. I'm lucky because my anxiety levels are reasonably low for someone as heavily medicated as I am. But you know, it's probably a good thing since I try to walk into traffic on a regular basis. Dunno where I was going with that.

But sometimes the fun thing, if there is a fun thing, is that we always have something we actually really love. And I'm not talking about bass playing for me because, duh. Or even surfing, which is such a release. But really, if I could sleep 20 hours a day and get away with it, I would. It's not even about the "depressed" sense of not wanting to do anything. It's that I fucking love sleep. When I get there. I live in a world of insomniac episodes so when my body just relaxes - not gives up but actually relaxes - and I sleep, it's so wonderful. Last night was like that. Bus call happened and I just curled up in my bunk and I don't even remember leaving the parking lot. I just slept. For like 12 hours. Luckily we didn't have any radio station obligations until sound check. And it was comforting sleep. So often I wake up all cold and anxious but no, it was just so nice. I wish it could be like that all the time.

Random, but I just want to revel in the feeling for a while. :)

And here's a #tbt to make you aww. Papi sent it to me. It's me with Starbuck.

Oct. 8th, 2015

It's really starting to sink in that we don't have any major obligations until this little thing at the very end of December that I'm not allowed to talk about. Of course we have some radio things scattered throughout, but we literally can just sit on our asses and do nothing for weeks if we wanted. Or, you know, some of us can slow down (ha!).

It's a very weird feeling, too. Lang is a psychopath (and I absolutely love her) when we're on the road or in the studio because she's one of those unlucky perfectionist humans with absolute pitch, so unless she turns it off, we drive her nuts with missed notes until we get our shit tight. Or like that one time when one of the tuning pegs on my guitar had a mind of its own and the E string kept going out of tune...that was fun. Of course, sometimes we fuck with her, too, because we're a bunch of 12 year olds.

Once she has things worked out on piano, she usually will write the arrangements for the rest of the instruments. But that depends on how much time she has and how neurotic she wants to be. She doesn't write every song, though. I've written some; Ilya has contributed. It's just whoever has the ear worm.

Oct. 7th, 2015

It's took me nearly a third of the semester to work up the courage to attend the LGBTQ-alphabet meeting here on campus but I'm so glad I did. For the last week, I've been seeing the president of the club. He's a sophomore studying Art History and minoring in English and for the first time, I feel like someone really understands me.

Oct. 7th, 2015

To the troll I interacted with last night: No, I don't actually owe Seb anything. You might be able to make a case for a Thank You, but considering he was, you know, doing his job when he ran into Mr. Rubin and didn't actually go out of his way, that argument is null. I got here with a little luck and a lot of hard work.

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