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Feb. 12th, 2016

Finally the video for Now You Know is out in the world! This video is so important to me and I just want to reemphasize one thing: every single one of you ladies is beautiful. It doesn't matter if you wear all black or all pink or all leather or cover yourself in molasses and roll around in feathers if that's your thing. Tall, curvy, short, lanky. All of you are beautiful.

Female-fronted is not a genre and fuck anyone who says it is. My cunt is not a selling point. You will never see a band's bio say their lead singer has a penis. Why, in 2016, do we still hold onto the archaic idea that women can't be in bands? We're a nu-metal/industrial band from Brooklyn, nothing else.

I'm going to start going to all your shows and asking you to flash me.

From the Falling Starlight Website

Our Dearest Fallen Stars,

We've started this letter to you multiple times, and we do not know where to start. So we will give you the facts: last night, after our show at Howard Place in Brooklyn, there was a car accident. A man driving drunk hit a patch of ice and skidded toward us. While he did miss the band, Baxter, Elena's service dog, pushed us out of the way and was sadly struck and killed. After we were able to make it home following the accident, Elena tried to kill herself.

We tell you this because Elena has always made it a point to be open about her mental health concerns. The doctors have assured us that she will make a full recovery, although she is being kept overnight for observation before they make further decisions regarding her care.

We do not know how this is going to impact anything regarding the path of the band. Obviously, our shows this week have been cancelled and beyond that, we cannot know what our plans are. All we know is that we want Elena to make that full recovery.

Please keep her and her family in your thoughts during this time. We won't be answering questions beyond this, but we will post updates as we have them.

Keep rocking, Stars. Keep rocking.

~JJ, Micah, and Dria (our manager for those of you who don't know)
This is my life on set this week.

Clowns are utterly terrifying. ;)

Feb. 11th, 2016

I lost count how many times I've heard this CD since this afternoon. Lang fell asleep a couple of hours ago and I just haven't felt like turning it off.

They went for the NG tube today and that went over as well as throwing a cat in a swimming pool. Paz tried talking to her this morning but she still refused. But she did confess that the last time she ate was that binge last week. She told me it was 4300 calories like I was a priest taking confessional.

Alana doesn't understand that this isn't about how stubborn Lang may or may not be. For the record, she is very stubborn, but that has nothing to do with this. She's not just trying to see how long she can go without eating out of spite.

She doesn't want to die and she knows that's a possibility.

She is legitimately crippled by the fear of imperfection. It starts out being about calories but the insidiousness of this is that it quickly becomes about not giving in to hunger and doing that, even if it's just one Oreo, is failure. That failure is catastrophic and she realizes she should just eat everything. Then the guilt sets in and it starts over. That's the cycle--binge, purge, restrict.

Now she's just kind of emotionally shut down. I want to believe it'll take some of the fear and the pressure off her, but I don't know. I think she's too ashamed and embarrassed to have any sense of relief.

Fuck this all, I need a cigarette and a shower.


It doesn't matter how used to performing I'm getting, I still get so nervous before shows. The crowds are getting better and we're really feeling it, you know. But I'm so sure I'm going to blow it, you know. I won't even let Marshall come to shows yet. And he hates me for it, but I just ... if I screw up, I can't do it in front of him. Yes, I'm a nut, okay? And okay, let's be real - if I screw up and he's there, it ends up on TV and I'm not ready for that. Which makes me feel like such a fucking asshole.

Anyway, we've got a show later tonight and the weather is crap and I'm just a ball of nerves and taking one of my anxiety meds will only help so much.

So here I am, on the internet, proving how much of an idiot I am.

It's a night where Baxter is coming with us to the venue. He'll just have to hang out because I don't think I can do the show without him tonight.

long talks in the corners of coffee shops

Out of the blue I received a call today from an old friend. We were roommates in New York, struggled together waiting tables and modeling and going to acting classes and hoping that our concealer covered the evidence that we just weren't sleeping enough. She's found her way to Vancouver, me, of course, to LA. And our friendship now consists mostly of emailed Christmas cards and the occasional twitter conversation. But she was in town, and so after I finished on set today, we met at the Rose, a favorite coffee shop of mine in Hollywood and picked up our last conversation like we'd only spoken yesterday.

She laughed for a long time, actually. Back in New York, of the two of us, I was the one not prone to things like relationships. I was the one who jumped from lover to lover rather than risk my heart on anything as "insane" as even the thought of marriage. She was the devoted one, diving in, heart fully open. We'd always envied each other's abilities.

And now she's the confirmed bachelorette and here I am, counting down the minutes until I get married. It's only a couple more months. Hell, sitting there, I realized, it's only a couple of more months.

We laughed about that and she offered to help me run away. I couldn't even imagine the idea. I mean, there's things I'd love to run away from, but Carlos isn't one of them. While we were talking it occurred to me that it's been three years since we laid eyes on each other. God. Three years. Although he likes to tease me about how he's known all about me for years. ;)

Three years since he caught me at that party. Two months until I'm his wife.

It's been just the world's craziest ride.

I love it.

As for my friend, she's off to theater in Chicago. As for me, I'm settling down to get some sleep since I have a 4:30 am call which means I'm getting up no later than 3. Chances are, we won't talk again for a while. But it felt so good to catch up.

Feb. 10th, 2016

Today is not any better than yesterday. Possibly worse.

I went to go see Lang today. She's...being uncooperative. I guess they had her on potassium but her heart rate and blood pressure are still high. They want her electrolytes to balance out because they can't use a lot of the medications they would normally use for tachycardia.

She's refusing to eat anything because she knows she's not allowed out of bed and thus can't go purge. Her pulse actually hit 170 as she argued with her nurse about eating. She's not telling anyone when was the last time she ate. I don't know if they mentioned it to her but they brought up the possibility of putting in an NG tube if she continues to refuse to eat.

And I guess psych came and talked to her this morning. They want to start her on benzodiazepine or an SSRI but she's refusing that, too. She's adamantly against any medications. They also tried explaining to us that her refusal to eat was as much about the ability to make the decision herself as it is about the calories. I just don't understand.

She wants to go home and to be left alone, but the harder she resists, they more they want to keep her. I've never seen my brother so frayed at the ends before.

Feb. 8th, 2016

I was in the basement all afternoon today while Lang and Anneke were folding laundry in the bedroom. Then I hear this noise like something heavy got dropped on the floor. I called up the stairs and got no answer, but I figured Lang didn't hear me or she was ignoring me. I go upstairs and I can hear Anneke crying. When I get to the bedroom, Anneke is standing there and Lang is out cold on the floor.

She came to before Anneke could bring my phone, but that was the longest fucking minute of my life. She said she had been having heart palpitations and had asked Anneke to come get me. Anneke is in this phase where she asks "why" after everything, so Lang passed out before she could reason with her.

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Feb. 8th, 2016

Does anyone ever notice that 99% of the people Facebook recommends that you friend are actually people that you've been trying to avoid? I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I also know that I'm not the only person to creep on said recommended friend's page when the occasion arises.

So in the name of full disclosure and because I feel like im talking in circles, I'll just go ahead and admit that last night, I creeped on my last serious boyfriend. I mean, we're talking over four years ago at this point. Things ended on a rather abrupt note because I suddenly realized that he was a little too much like the misogynist, abusive father that he claimed to hate and I saw a future of barefooted baby raising with a man who drinks too much with his friends.

But the mind has a way of making you remember the good times, so as I was scrolling through his public pictures, looking at the low key outdoor wedding on his mom's property by the waterfall, and pictures of his new baby girl, I got a little wistful and reminiscent. I got to wondering if maybe I'd panicked a little and bolted too soon. If some other woman was living the life I could have had.

It wasn't until about an hour later that reality kicked in and I realized that was not the life I wanted four years ago and it wasn't the life I want now. I got out of that country backwood mentality and I'm not ever going back.

It's like coming home ...

I miss the stage. I do. I wouldn't mind spending some time back there, actually. But this back lot ... it's as much home as my own.

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