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The feedback I'm getting on the material that's been recorded so far is that it's not "commercial" enough and that it needs to be more "mainstream".

My manager actually thinks it would be to my advantage to have Seb backing me up and that we should go back to that sound we used to have.

I'm a little boggled. I'm not sure what to think.

this is how you participate ...

This ... I want to wax poetic on it. I really do. I want to stand up and recite poetry and speak to the beauty of this. Instead, after I finished reading it, I went and watched my son sleep.

I ran into Randy that weekend. Right before I took Lucas up to Bismark because I just can't risk him anymore. Though I'm thinking of going back. We talked. I asked him not to say anything about us talking because that's not why he was there.

This is ... it's so damn human. There's so much BS out there about how this prayer is going down and honestly ... this is human. And I'm really glad he wrote it.

You should read it.
So, my brother got a phone call from the daycare his kids go to saying no one had picked them up and they couldn't get a hold of his wife, could you please come. But he couldn't get there for at least another hour. And because he knew I would be in the area, he called me and asked me if I could take them home.

Like, no, I can't because I have things to do and don't have time for that, but I like my brother most of the time and I like my nieces, so I went. I picked up the kids and let myself into the house. I gave the kids espresso and Nerds and let them run around while I waited for Seb to show up.

And who should emerge from somewhere deep in the house? The Queen herself! Apparently, she turned her phone off and fell asleep for six hours.

Meanwhile, I didn't get done what I needed to get done because I was running all over creation with two small kids on the subway. I don't want to get involved. I think this is all bullshit. But I'm not the one who got royally screwed over here.
I just realized it's December 1st. I sailed right through Thanksgiving without realizing it.

Woo apparently I've been sailing since June. Okay then!

How is everyone?

Nov. 30th, 2016

You know what my problem with friends is?  They leave.  And I've figured out it's easier on me if I do it first.

Pain as an artform

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"I know the lie/A photographs a knife/A question/A path that leads nowhere/I search inside myself/To find a place/sometimes safe/And if I find that place/I can finally rest and stop asking about

The know/The how/The where/The reasons competing

The way/The why/The you/The why/The reasons believing

And I know the faith/The God/The waste/The lying it's breathing

And I know the face/The man/The hate/The anger it's seething

The parasite/Behind my eyes/Controls my mind/And feeds on time/So I'll hide inside/And wait until it's over

The nothingness is vicoden/It felt so good to find the end/Nothing lasts when I am/Drowning for this/Killing for this/I can't stop thinking/I can't stop thinking about

It's just fine/And we'll be alright/While we can find our way/to the endless light

And tonight it all turns black again/So you can hide inside your fucking mind/And cry because you're still alive

But it will never end/Don't hold your mother fucking breath/Embrace your lonely selfishness/Cause you will never know

The know/The how/The where/The reasons competing

To know the face/The man/The hate/The anger it's seething"

I'm not sure if I can put this into words properly, but sitting here listening to this song, but a profound sense of...okayness came over me. I don't feel that restless ghost anymore. I know it's a different story on the other side of the family fence, though.

well, that was a bit unexpected ...

I dropped the older monster off at school this morning and she turned around after she got out of the car, walked back, and leaned in the open window.

"Mom," she said. "I like girls. I have a crush on Cristy Twitchell."

And then she turned and went off into the building.

I mean, it's not at all a surprise really. The hints have been there. But I wasn't quite expecting the conversation to go like that.

So proud of my baby girl.

Lately I've been... dreamingabout Frank. I know why. Which is exactly what my therapist told me. It has nothing to do with me wanting him back in my life in that way and everything to do with feeling like Dave isn't hearing me (for the record, not about the baby).  However, she took it to a level and suggested something I was entirely not comfortable with.

My therapist says I'm dreaming of him now because "Dave is being as terrible to you as he was before and you're imagining a way out."  I was in shock. I mean, I'm aware that probably everyone here thinks I'm a foolish cunt staying with a horrible husband. But let me just say this- comparing who I'm married to now to the man he was back then is cruel and unfair and insulting.

I left completely disheartened. It took me so long to find someone to talk to about everything.

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December 2016



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