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Bragging on some people

So earlier this week, one of the first Austin Skid albums I did got included in Metal Hammer's "20 Best albums of the year so far." First on the list. I'm not saying it for me, I'm saying it for them. These guys are just... They aren't everyone's cup of tea. They're doomy, black, prog metal. Which is why they're signed to Skid. But I love working with these guys. They get the aesthetics of the music they're making. They want these full, rich waves. I mean, other bands get it. But the prog guys are fucking sick at it.

Oh, and this is their singer. Mom follows a bunch of Skid bands, for obvious reasons, and when that popped up on her feed she flipped the fuck out. "Who is she, where is she, and can she meet for a jam session righthefucknow." If you didn't know, mom's a sucker for metal chicks who play classical instruments.

But, in any case, I'm really proud of them. Because they're such a niche sound they don't have a huge following, but getting recognition from Metal Hammer... That's not nothing.


There is an excellent chance I will be in jail by the end of the week.

I just might have to set a bunch of things on fire.

the whispers have come

Mom's health has faded to the point where she isn't going to last much longer. I spent the morning with hospice. Yesterday afternoon on the phone with corrections in San Francisco so that Brian can come see her before the end if he wants to.

One minute I'm a voice in her head, the next her daughter, the next her mother. She doesn't understand that I'm grown. She doesn't remember killing my father. She keeps asking about my daughter but assuming that my daughter is me.

It's harder than I expected, but not as hard as it could be.

If I'm truly honest with myself, I've been waiting for this since I was 12 years old. The fact that she's still here, that we were somewhat able to patch things ...

I do know that after all these years of torment, she does deserve peace.

Fuck everyone

So, I'm hanging out, trying to feed my kid. I've been having some trouble with it, honestly. Every time I'm at the doctor they ask me about family history of difficulty producing milk. I even tried calling my mother. Because Yiayia said it would matter more what happened with the women on my side.

I bit the bullet and actually called her. I called and before I could even ask the question she asked if audio_aesthetic had reconsidered getting married. Like it's him that's keeping anything from happening. Like I'm waiting with baited breath for him to propose. I tried ignoring her because I was trying to focus on what's best for Talia.

She wouldn't talk to me. I told her I needed to ask her a question, that I needed to know about what she went through, and her response was, "well you'll know exactly what I went through. Single mother with an overly involved paternal family who doesn't understand the importance of marriage." And then she hung up.

So now? Now that I can't say if there's a history of it, instead of presuming that it's probably something legitimate, they're accusing me of getting stoned. Because piss tests apparently lie, and my fucking attitude not having had any since I found out I was pregnant? Trust me, you'd know if I'd been getting high. I'd be a LOT less angry. Dickholes.

fitting tonight ...

I just don't know anymore.

I really don't. I miss Baxter. I miss my boyfriend. And I don't mean physically. I mean ... us. The intimacy. It's like everything ended that night.


But you know. I'm just being melodramatic. My mom's an actress. I learned how.

I don't think I'm getting any sleep tonight. I'm laying awake thinking and Santana is going to start screaming in an hour or two.

I made the mistake of mentioning to Lang that I really think she needs to drop the band or the orchestra. She physically can't do both in the condition she's in. Of course she didn't like this and told me not to come back. She said it feels like she's being told to file for divorce and we all know how that went.

Maybe I should have waited, but honestly, it's a conversation that needs to happen and I don't see it going any better no matter where it happens. If she's going to have a melt down over it, I'd really rather it be there.

TW: sexual stuff

I could have used a fucking warning myself. But real life doesn't have that shit so instead I'll just sit here and try not to pull my fucking hair thinking about that damn Dairy Queen sign: Scream until daddy stops.

How could they not realize how fucked that is?

Jun. 27th, 2016

Why is it when you need ten minutes of silence to contemplate things that everyone on the train is desperately in need of your attention? All I wanted from my trip in to work this morning was some time to get my head on straight. But there were protesters everywhere at the station, on the train there were three different couples in the middle of fights, and two children found me to be the perfect hiding place while they tried avoiding their mums. Which got me into fights with their mums. I wasn't trying to steal your bloody children, you distractable little shits. Piss off.

So now I'm a halfwit trying to get through the rest of Monday without getting fired. 

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