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Sebastian decided last night was a great time to confront me about certain things, so I didn't get any sleep.  I've been browsing Facebook because it has a way of numbing the mind, but I saw an acquaintence from high school posted a cute pregnancy announcement.  They've also already got two and she's apparently only about a month behind me.  But looking at it--it was so simple, with four orange pumpkins and a little white one--it made me wish I'd never said anything.

And in thinking about that regret, I realized my whole life is just one big regret.  Nothing is the way I want it to be and I keep trying to fix it, but I don't seem to be able to understand that it won't get "fixed" and certainly not overnight.  Why can't I understand that?

I hate my life and I hate who I am.

This is where I get off the internet and wake people up because I'm not going to make it through the day.


For the first time in probably... years... I had a congenial conversation with my Dad. We joked and laughed. Mum had Skyped because apparently one of my cousins who I'd gotten into a fight with texted or called her earlier. That particular cousin is the daughter of one of Mum's brothers. And while none of her siblings particularly like Dad, her brothers were especially disapproving. But this cousin was concerned about all I'd put Mum through. Calling with her condolences about what a hard time she'd had the past few months. Prattling on and on about how awful it was that she'd been through so much on my account. And, as I suspected, she said the BBC did interviews with a few of our cousins for that fucking thing. Saying they did it for her.

Well, Mum loves the lot of them in spite of them being fucking terrible. Because that's who she is. But she didn't let them say shit. And Dad thought the whole thing was hysterical. So when Mum gave him the chance to talk to me, it wasn't the usual curt, "you look like shit, what trouble are you in now." We laughed about those hypocritical fuckers. And he congratulated me on telling them to fuck off. And I needed that. Which sounds so bloody childish, grown man overjoyed that he got his Dad's approval. But it's been so rare my entire life.

So here's a glimpse back to not that long after I ODed. A couple months maybe. Mum wanted a family portrait type thing because I'd started talking about moving to the states and it got her anxious. So we agreed.

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I'm sure the pleasant feelings won't last long. But I'm going to go ahead and appreciate them while I can.

home ...

Chance auditions become theater workshops ...

We will see what happens. If anything. Right now, it's a nice change of pace and keeps me from obsessing too much over what's happening with Jammer.

Let's get this all girl party started ...

This is the only photo from this morning I'm willing to share.  The rest of the photos taken by me_trajiste_paz are for us.

wow ...

If all goes according to plan - and it looks like it will - we wrap on Play it as it Lays on the 31st.

It's been the craziest couple of months but I couldn't ask for anything other than how we've worked this out and I'm really going to miss this team.

Damn time flies when you're barely blinking.
I should be talking to Lang about this, but the last couple nights, she's been going to bed as soon as I get home because by the end of the day, she's in a lot of pain.

But I'm not going to wake her up and honestly, I'm not going to say anything to her tomorrow. Or the next day. I'm hesitant to break the peace we've found just because I need a reality check.

Alana and Lang don't get along well and they never really have for whatever reason, but over the last year or so, Alana has completely turned on Lang. And it's Alana's opinion that Lang is a "lying, cheating whore". I've never rolled my eyes so hard in my life.

But then I realized Alana did get one thing right. I haven't wanted to face it because I saw what infidelity did to my mom and I believed it could never happen to me.

The fact is, it did and it did recently. I put up with it over the summer because I had no reason not to. The little we've talked about it (as opposed to arguing), she said it was a one time thing that won't happen again. And I believe her. But I have doubts.

What deeply bothers me is I never got an answer from her about how she feels about him. I know his music still exists in our shared iTunes library and I know she still listens to it. I also know that means absolutely nothing.

Alana is of the opinion that everything that happened last winter was purely attention seeking behavior, so I don't put a lot of value in some of the crap that comes out of her mouth. She's angry at dad.

Tell me I'm wrong to have these doubts. Or tell me I'm not wrong. But if I'm justified in having doubts, what is the point? It happened and nothing I can do or think will change that.

I need an opinion that isn't jaded by my family history. I need perspective.

I do wonder ...

Why it is that we leave the theater for the flash and headache of the film world.

And then I receive a royalty check ... and remember.

hathor_rising - I might end up crashing with your wife until the subletters leave my condo. Hope that's above board. ;)

i love it ...

Usually she's got classes so when I get home from my class and hear the music turned up, hear her singing along, and walk in to see her dancing around the kitchen ... I know it's going to be a good night.

I'm really not sure how I got so lucky, but somehow ... life ... has happened this way.

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