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Feb. 2nd, 2013

I've already posted once tonight, but it was pure silliness.  I wasn't going to mention this at all, but it all just hit me a few minutes ago.

N got into a big fight with his wife on Monday.  I wasn't there; I don't know exactly what was said.  But he told me he confessed everything to her.  He told me she said she knew.  She knew the day he fell in love with me; she knew the second he fell out of love with her; she knew the moment it was all over for good.  On Tuesday, she had her lawyer retract all of her custody agreements and she's refiling for sole custody.

He's really sick and I'm sitting here listening to him sleep.  I think the NyQuil took down some of his walls.  Every so often, I'll hear one of his kids' names.  And I feel so guilty.  I feel responsible for this.  Courts always side with the mothers.  He's going to fight her, but he won't win; we all know that.

Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
albuquerque_liz
Feb. 3rd, 2013 01:40 am (UTC)
I'm not going to comment on the guilt you're feeling because we all face these issues in our own way. If you two are going to last though, you'll work through this together. He's going to need your support and it isn't going to be easy and, something tells me that this kind of emotional support wasn't initially part of the plan of whatever you two had going.

As for the custody battle, there's no reason the courts will grant complete custody to her unless he's proved to be an unfit parent. That will make it easier going forward. What will reflect badly is you. There is a chance that any custody arrangements that come up, at least for a while, will actively block you out.
thinksinpink
Feb. 3rd, 2013 05:00 am (UTC)
We didn't have any kind of plan. It was all by the seat of our pants. But I'm not going anywhere.

As far as I've seen, he's a good parent. I don't know what kinds of tricks, if any, she'll pull, but I can see how it might be easy for her to make him look bad aside from my part. And I'm okay with being blocked. I've met his kids once; they have no connection to me and vice versa. I only care if he gets blocked out.
albuquerque_liz
Feb. 3rd, 2013 05:06 am (UTC)
Well, at some point I hope you'll be caring.
thinksinpink
Feb. 3rd, 2013 05:13 am (UTC)
Of course. I like his kids. But I'm not going to demand I be brought into the negotiation terms.

Edited at 2013-02-03 05:14 am (UTC)
albuquerque_liz
Feb. 3rd, 2013 05:18 am (UTC)
That makes more sense.
saraannesidle
Feb. 3rd, 2013 01:51 am (UTC)
I saw this post this morning when I got up and it was still here when I got out of bed again. I was initially going to let it go, but I can't. I probably should, but letting things go has never been my strong suit. It's a flaw, but one I'm not looking to change any time soon.

You're a big girl. You made a big girl decision. And that big girl decision means that yes, right now, you should feel guilty. You played a part in breaking another woman's heart. You've said over and over that the marriage was over before you came into the picture, but it clearly wasn't. Not completely. Because they still had some kind of life together. You didn't think ahead to what might happen. You were a fling and yes, it clearly became something more, but that fling hurt people. Speaking as a woman who has stood there and watched someone she loved screw around on her, and as a woman who was an unwitting other woman who was made a fool of in front of her friends, you should feel guilty. But don't take all the responsibly either. This took two of you. He's the one who couldn't wait until his marriage was over.

That being said, if you really love him, if he really matters to you, if he is worth all of the pain that a whole lot of people are feeling right now, then you'll get rid of the guilt pretty damned quickly. Suck it up and accept what's coming. Accept the really uncomfortable questions from the lawyers and the sidelong looks from the people you work with. It's going to be ugly. So woman-up. He's going to need your support.

And, consider yourself lucky. In my line of work, one of the #1 reasons I am called out to a murder scene is because of a cheating spouse. All three of you are still alive at least.

Edited at 2013-02-03 01:54 am (UTC)
thinksinpink
Feb. 3rd, 2013 04:43 am (UTC)
You should go into teaching; you're really good at lecturing. I know what I did and I don't need to be reminded of it. I know I'm not innocent and I can't even claim to have had no ill intentions because I knew from the start what I was getting in to. But you know what? It was selfishly motivated because I did think ahead. I thought a lot about what might and probably would happen. But I didn't care. Clearly if they couldn't work out their problems, she's just as guilty as he and I are. If she supposedly knew, she should have called him out on it instead of just watching the train wreck itself.

But out of everything you said, what I value the most is the part about sucking it up. I'm not interested in being friends with her and I have no problem alienating her. For the moment, I have put the guilt aside. All if fair in love and war and to quote Charlie Sheen, I'm winning.
saraannesidle
Feb. 3rd, 2013 04:46 am (UTC)
You're winning?

Relationship aren't competitions. You might want to remember that while you're watching his relationship with his kids fall apart.
thinksinpink
Feb. 3rd, 2013 05:06 am (UTC)
All of life is a competition. But in the grande scheme of things, all three of us are losers.
saraannesidle
Feb. 3rd, 2013 05:16 am (UTC)
All of life is a competition?

Wow.

Well yeah, of course in some ways life is a competition. After all, it's often a competition between me and the criminal to see who is going to win in the end. It's a competition between me and my team members to see who solves more cases. It's even a competition between me and my best friend to see who runs more miles in a day.

But you know what, a relationship is not about who is "winning." What the hell does that even mean? Does that mean you're keeping tabs on who does what and how in your relationship? That you're going to look back fifty years from now and say "Yup, I won."

With an attitude like that, maybe his ex wife is really the winner. Because what you're really saying is that she was not deserving of the same equality that I'd hope you want in the relationship you have with N.
thinksinpink
Feb. 3rd, 2013 06:16 am (UTC)
Okay, you're right. I shouldn't have said it.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )

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