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and i quote

"I'm staying in New York. I like it here. I can audition for that school and see if I can get in. I'm going to dance and this is my life now."

Oh dear god. She went from 14 to 24 overnight.

who says grown men don't cry?

I'm working at home tonight. I'm neck deep in research for a story that just is taking over my life. And because I'm that kind of guy, I put on whatever youtube rotation that I can ignore for background noise.

I'm just working. Writing along about the rise of violence against Russian journalists over the last little while. I'm separating out things for my fact checker and I'm double checking things. And then, a voice stops me.

It says, "You can apply it to relationships if that works for you, but I wrote this song when I was 12 or 13 ... and my mom had cancer." (paraphrasing)

It's funny. I've always connected with this song. Time Machine isn't my favorite band, but they kind of always end up on my playlists, you know. But this song always stuck out to me. And now ... well. I know why.

Well. He goes on, talking about what it was like to work through those emotions. Talking about what it's like to be that age and have to work through how it feels and just have to figure out how to adapt to mom sleeping all the time, what it means to take care of her. And I swear to god, I just sat here on my couch and cried. I listened to this over and over and over and I just lost it. I'm 29 years old. I fight with her, I laugh with her, I idolize her, I want to drop kick her off the nearest cliff. But there is a part of me that will forever and ever be that little boy who stood there in the bathroom, dying his hair bright orange, and trying to absorb what "breast cancer" meant. I will forever be that little boy, getting up at 3 AM because he was scared of how sick she was and if he got up and checked on her, she'd be okay. She was always awake. And I don't know if she knows I got up, but I checked on her every single night. It was just us. And we got through it.



This is beautiful. And I can only be grateful to the guys in Time Machine for doing it. For doing this version. For all of it.

This is just ...

It's still on repeat.
So I was talking with Kaylah last night. She was talking about how she wishes she had siblings. It was a loaded conversation no matter which way it got spun. But as it turned out, it was really my brilliant daughter's long con to slip in "Well I guess any new kid would be really wide apart in age and it wouldn't be the same. So instead I could maybe fly with you to LA, see Marshall and baby Emma, get the baby sibling fix with them. And you know, with school coming up it'd have to be soon. Like, the first week in August."

That girl has been lobbying to meet Matt's oldest for months. They're around the same age, so of course I was expecting as much. Plus, she loves Matt so much she hates when she misses out on big important things in his life. Desperate to meet Emma. and she still hasn't forgiven me for not flying her to his wedding.

Kaylah also has this incredible power to tap into Dad guilt. Not intentionally at all. But whenever she's asking to spend time with me it's hard to say no. I'm out of her life so much already. I wasn't really ready to say goodbye yet, anyway.

So, I called Matt and asked him if it would be alright. And made sure to tell him it was fine if it wasn't, cause we weren't going to go messing up his time with his kids. Then she took the phone and told him herself that she just wanted an afternoon to meet Emma and see Marshall again and if his oldest happened to be there...

He said it was up to his son, which makes sense. I'm sure he's already going to feel gawked at.

Pam got in on the tail end of the conversation. She knew Kaylah was going to ask me, and told me it was okay with her. In fact, she was thinking about joining her. Pam and I get along just fine; we always wanted what was best for Kaylah and peaceful, friendly co-parenting was always our jam. We weren't going to mix emotions into it because we knew it wouldn't work. This is the first time Pam has offered to come to LA. Ever. So it's... a thoughtful evening.

As an aside, while on the call with Matt, he mentioned that the label wanted us to do something even while we weren't touring. They suggested a cover album because it would be an easy release and would satiate fans who're waiting for either new music or a tour. We're going to conference in Kevin later on, but unless he's totally against it, we're probably going to do it. And the first thing he said was he wanted to try and cover Skindred. We talked about which one, and I suggested Trouble, since that would be a good story to go along with the album. He liked the idea, but then Kaylah pulled up the video for The Kids are Right Now and Matt got it in his head that we could do an homage/remake of the video as a way of... well, showing Terra Firma as a three piece is doing just fine.

Have a look and a listen. Thoughts welcome (but really, so long as Kev and legal think it's okay, we're probably gonna do it:

The Kids are Right NowCollapse )
Conversation #1 (back in April):

My manager: Come on, G. You are always a hit at Comic Con. You hit all the nerd g-spots. Well. Except for Star Trek but I swear we're working on it.
Me: I am due at any moment. Why are we having this conversation?
My Manager: This is April. By July you'll be all healed up and audiences love a sleep deprived guest. They get more answers that way.
Me: This is ... a useless argument, isn't it?
My Manager: Yep. Thursday at noon. Four hours. You'll do an hour Q&A and then we'll split the rest of the time with a photo line and autograph line.
Me: You realize this always ends up being at least a six hour commitment, right?
My Manager: Shut up and be there at 11:30 on Thursday. And be grateful. They wanted you on Friday. I negotiated away from that, which would have been more like 8. Next year you're on Saturday, so remember that.
Me: Come on ...
My Manager: Shut up.

Conversation #2 (back in April):
Me: Hey, baby ...
Carlos: What did you just agree to?
Me: Um ... so how about a trip to San Diego in July?
Carlos: *gives me that look husbands give their wives* Mandy has you on the docket for Comic Con doesn't she?
Me: Well .... yes.
Carlos: She knows you're about to pop, right? That at any moment you're going to reenact the scenes from Alien, right?
Me: I tried to impart that on her. But you've talked with the woman.
Carlos: This ... is true. Okay.
Me: I figure we can go down, do the deed, and take the baby to the beach?
Carlos: *still looking at me* You are absolutely impossible, you know that right?
Me: Well, it isn't me, it's the job.
Carlos: Yeah yeah yeah ...

And so today, at noon, I answered questions to a group of early bird Comic Con types. And, as always, they were wonderful, wonderful, wonderful people. And I posed for all of the appropriate pictures and signed photos for a while too. There were so many cosplays of Maria from Play it as it Lays, and even a couple from The Fade Out which is pretty impressive. My favorite though was of my character from Handmaids, but pregnant. Because you know, I was pregnant while I filmed season 2. And no, I said to the question that was asked, I have not heard if I will be back for season 3.

And then, Carlos and I escaped with the baby down to the beach.



We grabbed dinner at a beach side place and are finally heading home. It kind of amazes me how we've really holed up with Elena since she was born. It felt good to get out as a family. Not just for our own personal "getting out" but this is us. Meet the Munez's.

Eventually I will go back to work. I'll settle into one of the projects I keep getting tossed. Eventually Carlos and the band will be working again. But right now, being able to do things like this and still have the time to ourselves?

God. I'll take it.

at what point do we just accept it?

An old friend showed up the other day. Unbeknownst to me, he came up to Seattle on vacation and on day 3 finally decided to come by and say hi.

When I asked what the hell he was doing in Seattle of all places, he gave me a "you're the dumbest human on the planet" look.

And then, you know.

So.

It's been an interesting couple of days.

Damnit

I should've stayed in Austin longer. This makes sense as to why Mike was trying to get me to put off coming back to NYC. Granted, I doubt anyone would have anything positive to say about me. So maybe it's a good thing?



But hey, they could've offered to sell cupcakes to smash in my face and donate to... something Longhorns fans would want to donate to.

Warning: complete mess

I feel bad for my family right now. One of the girls that used to frequently work on crew for our tours (for HR and for TF)has been posting on social media all week about her dog who'd suddenly gotten really sick. No one knew what was going on until the second opinion vet told her it was cancer. She had emergency surgery, did okay for a day, then she quickly deteriorated and passed away last night. I've been crying about it all morning. I called  Pop to talk about his dog that died when I was a kid. Missy was an absolute sweetheart. She was Pop's before Mom and I came along. But she so obviously loved having more people in her family. She followed all of us kids around all the time. When she died it was completely heartbreaking for all of us. She'd lived a good life, a long life. That didn't help any of us get over her death any faster.

And now I've been weeping for hours thinking about a fictional dog that we don't have and how hard it would be to lose them, how painful it would be for everyone, how I'd want to be there when they died but knowing because of my job that might not be possible.

I haven't talked to Carlos or Gina or Tim, since they all actually have dogs and this is a real issue they'll have to face while I'm wailing and moaning and making a scene about a hypothetical.

Fuck my brain chemistry, fuck my hormones. PPD is a fucking asshole and now I'm crying out of anger, too. Goddamnit.

Character name: Captain Jack Harkness
Canon/Fandom: Torchwood Miracle Day
Canon age: immortal, but visually, late-30s
Occupation/School/Etc: Head of Torchwood 3
Married/Single/Etc: It's complicated.
Where does the character live: Cardiff, Wales
Character/canon wiki links of interest: http://tardis.wikia.com/wiki/Jack_Harkness This is a fix-it, post-Miracle Day version of the character. A version of Torchwood where Esther Drummond did not die and a mysterious man that looks remarkably like Ianto Jones befriends her.
Character's likes: bright smiles
Character's dislikes: coffee
Character pet peeves: secret organizations (oh, the irony)
Do you write fiction/fanfiction for this character? Links? TBA
Are you involved in any RPG/etc for this character? Not this particular version, although I was writing jointly with someone else.

May I have the following tags, please: [storyline] mafia marriage, [storyline] miracle day fix-it

I shouldn't care ...

“Everybody, everybody everywhere, has his own movie going, his own scenario, and everybody is acting his movie out like mad, only most people don’t know that is what they’re trapped by, their little script.” ― Tom Wolfe, The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test

I shouldn't care where he is or what he's doing. It isn't like we're actually compatible as human beings. But even if you shove aside that annoying factor of the bruise he left on my heart, and the dream of the activist and the journalist trying to change the world ... I care about him as a person. So when I hear bits and pieces from my sources around the world - I worry. Because I want him to be safe. I want to know he's organizing marches and hell, sabotaging things if need be. I used to chain myself to nuclear reactors too, you know.

I shouldn't care, but I do. And sometimes, hearing what I hear ... I'm actually glad we didn't get back together for more than a night. Because right now, I don't know if I could stand working on the story I'm working on and also knowing that at any moment, he could disappear in a puff of smoke.

This afternoon, a few hours after lunch,  a wave of nausea hit me and hasn't left. Ginger ale isn't helping in the slightest. It's accompanied by what I'm hoping isn't a migraine. I haven't had one of those in years. When I was a child I would vomit every time I got a headache. As I got older they subsided, but every so often they pop up. I'm grateful they aren't as debilitating as when I was younger. But I do wish they'd stay gone.

When I mentioned to a colleague that I felt ill their immediate response was to ask if I was pregnant. "That's how everyone announces their pregnancies!" On top of informing this young 20 something that not all women experience nausea with pregnancy and she really shouldn't get her information from the internet, I then got to inform her that I'm physically incapable. The way she stumbled over herself was, in all honesty, rather amusing.  It's not her fault, really,  that she didn't know. But with the way I'm feeling I'm in no mood for flighty little idiots.

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